Forgiving The Unforgivable

 Cincinnati Ohio’s airport, is for some peculiar reason, situated in Kentucky! Sadly I didn’t manage to find out the reason why while I was recently there. I was too busy waiting for a delayed flight to finally start boarding. As I strolled up and down I passed a bookshop in whose window there was a poster which caught my eye. It said, "Read the most fascinating story ever told… The Jews Gifts To The World." And that was the title of a new book they were selling, "The Jews Gifts to the world." I was intrigued greatly and went in and picked one up.

Looking through the chapters revealed the sort of topics that one would expect from such a title and it didn’t seem to contain any great surprises or revelations. Then I noticed what was written inside the front cover. It said that this book was "number two" in a series by the same author. The first one was called, "How the Irish saved Human civilisation."

I decided the story of "The Jews gifts to the world" could wait for another time.

My trip to America did though reveal other "fascinating" stories about Jews.

In New Jersey, a husband and his wife stayed behind after a Shiur I gave to have a Shmooze. She told me the tale of how her family had managed to leave Poland in1936 and reach the safety of the United States.

Her grandmother had been a Rebbetzin who possessed a more than usual degree of "Bino Yesairo." She somehow "felt" that it was time to Leave Poland. The process of leaving required a visit to a Polish civil servant who had to stamp and approve the relevant papers. He was an Anti-Semite and saw no reason whatsoever that this Jewess and her family should be helped in any way. The Rebbetzin stood in line holding her baby son in her arms. When her turn came, her application was rudely rejected and she was sent away. The Rebbetzin though, refused to give in. The next morning she returned and the whole process repeated itself day after day.

The official came to like seeing her waiting in the queue, he enjoyed rejecting her application. As she joined the line, he would look up from his work, gaze at her for a fraction of a second and the faintest of smiles would pass his lips.

When it came to the second week the Rebbetzin had an idea. Just before her turn came she gave her baby son a little pinch. The child erupted into furious and loud crying. Again she was greeted with rejection but the next day she returned and again, ten minutes before her turn came, the baby shook the room with his sobs. By the end of the week the decibels had reduced the civil servant’s nerves to tatters and as she arrived at his desk she found her forms filled in stamped and approved.

A Jewish family sailed safely away from the tinderbox that was Jewish Europe, just ahead of the flames.

In Cincinnati a Jew who was a retired surgeon as well as being a Rabbi told me another tale. His story started in Antwerp where he was born. The outbreak of the War saw his family fleeing to find temporary safety in what became Vichey France. His mother spoke perfect German and in a train journey with her little boy found herself in a compartment with an SS officer. He inquired what the child was called and she replied that his name was Arye. The German scowled, "What sort of name is that?" The mother didn’t blink, "It comes from Aryan," she replied and the Nazi smiled an approving and beneficent smile on little Arye.

Not every Jewish story though can be told and not every one enjoys a happy ending.

In this paper, I once quoted Reb Avrohom Grodzinski zt’l who points out that HaShem created Rosh HaShonah, the Day of Judgement not to have a day where he finds us guilty but to have a day where he finds us not guilty! All of the classic works on Teshuva emphasise how eager HaShem is not only to receive our Teshuva but also to assist us in doing Teshuva in the first place.

In Hilchos Teshuva the Rambam explains that although HaShem is willing and able to forgive us for things we have done against Him, he cannot forgive us for things that we have done against other people.

We must first try to put right whatever wrong we may have done, for example by returning money that we may have stolen. There is still though more to do.

He states that we must now ask them to forgive us. We must beg for this no fewer than three times. To show that we are both contrite and sincere we should even bring three of his friends with us as we plead.

If after all that, the person we offended does not forgive us, then writes the Rambam, "V’Ze Shlo Mochel Hu HaChote" The person who refuses to forgive, he not you, is the sinner.

In the next Halocho the Rambam goes on to say that it is the innate nature of Yieden to forgive those who have hurt us. "It is Osur," he writes, "for a Jew to be an Achzori, (a cruel person) and not forgive someone who is sincerely sorry."

But what if the story that leads to the request for forgiveness is so terrible and so unrepeatable that a Jew simply finds him or herself unable to forgive?

I once heard of a girl from America who had suffered terribly. Her mother was obviously badly in need of help, which never came. The result was that her children suffered both appalling neglect and cruelty. Finally, together with her brothers and sisters the girl was taken away and brought up by an aunt and uncle.

Many years later at the girl’s wedding, someone thought it would be an act of Chesed to bring the mother and daughter together. They had not in fact had any contact for many years and the Kallah was asked if her mother could come in and sit beside her at the reception.

The young woman considered the request for a few moments and answered, "Yes." Her mother came into the room and sat down beside the bride but after only a few minutes the girl broke down into uncontrollable sobbing. The mother had to leave.

The untold story of the girl’s sufferings had been re-awakened by her mother’s presence and she simply could not bare the memories that came flooding back.

It is obvious that this young woman had born terrible experiences, which had cut deep scars into her very being. Was she guilty of the Achzorius, which the Rambam speaks of, that causes the person unable to forgive to be considered the sinner? Certainly not!

If the motivations behind a person refusing to forgive, are indeed cruelty and revenge then they indeed metamorphosise into the offender. There are some people though, whose stories are so terrible that their inability to forgive flows from a different source entirely.

In considering this article I first discussed it with one of the Gedolie HaDor who told me that he agreed with my understanding of the Rambam. He was concerned though that upon reading this, some people would use it as an excuse. Those who should and can forgive who might use this to justify the fact that they choose not to forgive.

A good rule of thumb might well be that we are speaking here of the sort of occurrence which literally becomes a story which cannot be repeated. It is the sort of tragedy, which has such profound effects that the victim will probably need professional help to recover from. Insults, theft, unpaid debts and such do not fall into this category. No one would find it too painful or embarrassing to tell others that a certain Jew owes him money (in fact the danger is that they would find it too easy to do just that.)

For those who on this Rosh HaShonah are struggling to forgive the unforgivable they can be comforted to learn that they are not expected to do the impossible. They should though wish that they could bring themselves to do it.

David Ha Melech says in Tehillim 19, "Toras HaShem Temima…."

HaShem’s instruction to forgive someone is ultimately advice that benefits the one who forgives, more than the one who is forgiven. Forgiving someone allows us to let go of pain and move away from the past. Not forgiving someone means that the original damage is kept alive and fresh and in a sense it is re-enacted very day.

Even if a person can’t see a way to forgive someone now, it may be that they will be able to forgive them in the future. I once felt a very great antipathy for a certain individual. I went to discuss my feelings with my Rov, the Gateshead Rov Shlita. This individual had done many terrible things to other people and the fact that he seemed to get off with it scot-free, caused me great distress. The Rov smiled at me and uttered just a few words that helped me a great deal. "I always find" he said, "That it helps a great deal if you can feel sorry for such people."

Those simple words helped then and have made other experiences so much easier to deal with.

For those who cannot find it within themselves to find a way to forgive or at least not find a way to forgive yet, they should remember that they can go and discuss it with a Rov. He might have a suggestion to make that will remove a weight that has been pulling them down.

For the rest of us, whose stories can be told… about the slight to our Kovod or the Yerusha we thought we should get or the money that was stolen, we can actually guarantee ourselves a successful Yom HaDin!

HaShem is waiting to be asked for Mechilah in order forgive our offences. We have to make sure we do the same to those who sincerely want us to forgive theirs.